Stop Fighting the Government. Start Engaging the Narcissism.
The Pattern We Need to See
I spent over twenty-one years in a relationship with a narcissist.
I learned things during those years that no political science textbook will teach you. I learned that the best way to deal with a narcissist is to go quiet - not silent, but strategically quiet. They need your energy to feed their energy. I learned that anything I achieved, they instantly became jealous about and either tried to recreate it for themselves (never worked) or claimed my success as their own (absolutely worked with people who didn’t see them clearly).
I learned that when the world stops talking about them, they do something insane and outrageous. Anything to get the attention back on them.
I never got dramatic in that relationship. And I’m sure that kept things as balanced as they were - which was still really bad, but survivable. The moment I gave energy to their behavior, argued about facts, tried to prove what was real - that’s when the gaslighting thrived.
I’m watching the same patterns now. Accepting a Nobel Peace Prize he didn’t earn. Accepting a prize from FIFA that means nothing. And when coverage fades, something insane and outrageous happens to pull focus back.
The Problem We’re Not Naming
Most grassroots organizations are still operating like we’re dealing with government failure - broken systems, bad policy, institutional dysfunction.
We’re not.
We’re dealing with narcissistic power dynamics. And the strategies that work for broken systems actively feed narcissistic systems.
I wish I could have a conversation with all media to explain the effective way to cover narcissistic behavior. But in a world where clicks equal cash, there’s a mutually serving relationship keeping this cruelty going longer than it needs to. Media needs the outrage for revenue. He needs the coverage for supply. It’s a feedback loop that benefits both while harming everyone else.
But here’s what I can do: I can provide direct information to grassroots organizations about what to focus on and what to be quiet about. Because you have something media doesn’t - you’re not dependent on covering him for your survival. You can choose strategically where to put your energy.
The 99/1 Rule
Here’s what over twenty-one years taught me: Spend 99% of your communication focused on what success looks like. Put energy toward what’s going wrong only to create necessary context - and that should be no more than 1% of your communication.
When you focus on what’s wrong, that’s food for the narcissist. When you focus on what you’re going to achieve, they have no footing.
This is also the language that incites power in individuals. Put your energy and focus on the WHAT - what you’re building, what you’re creating, what success looks like. Allow people to figure out the HOW. And do not give energy to arguing about what led us to this moment.
Because when you focus on that, you open the door to argument about facts and reality. That’s where gaslighting thrives. This is why organizations spend months debating whether the crisis is real instead of building the response that would address it either way.
Who’s Going to Argue With That?
Here’s the strategic brilliance of focusing on what you’re building: You’re not trying to convince anyone of anything. For example, if your mission is “We are creating safety for vulnerable community members and their children.”
Who argues with that?
When you state your mission this way, you’re not debating policy. You’re not arguing facts. You’re not trying to prove something is wrong. You’re simply stating what you’re doing - and what you’re doing is fundamentally, obviously good.
If someone tries to engage the argument - if they try to debate whether vulnerable community members and children deserve safety - you don’t take the bait. You rise above. You repeat your mission. You stay focused on what you’re building.
“My mission is to create safety for vulnerable community members and their children.”
That’s it. That’s the whole response. You’re not defending. You’re not explaining. You’re not arguing. You’re stating your purpose, and your purpose requires no defense because it’s self-evidently human and right.
This is what “no footing” actually looks like. When you’re fighting AGAINST something, you’re in their argument about facts and reality and what led us here. When you’re building TOWARD something fundamentally good, there’s no argument to engage with. They have nowhere to stand.
Try to argue against creating safety for vulnerable children. Go ahead. See how that looks.
This is why the 99% matters. Not because it’s a nice communication technique. Because it positions your work as something that requires no debate and gives opponents no ground to attack from.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Look at Zohran Mamdani in New York. He didn’t spend his campaign fighting against establishment machinery or arguing why the system was broken. He built power from the bottom up. He was on the streets, not begging for access. He organized his community around what they were creating together, not what they were fighting against.
The establishment attacked him not because of his policies but because his approach threatened their entire model. When representatives can’t hide behind donor call time, when they’re confronted at the grocery store with the question “what are you doing to create safety for vulnerable community members and their children?”, when grassroots power builds from the bottom up instead of filtering down from the top - the whole inverted pyramid becomes unstable.
Look at Chicago’s Whistlemania campaign. They didn’t organize around how terrible ICE raids are. They organized around what resistance looks like: 100,000 whistle kits distributed, teenagers patrolling neighborhoods, community members documenting and witnessing. The threat was 1% context. The solution - what people could do - was 99% of the communication.
That response created the documentation and pressure that supported legal challenges. A federal judge ordered 615 people released, finding the vast majority of arrests unlawful. The resistance made that victory possible.
Compare that to organizational communications that spend paragraphs explaining the problem, debating whether the crisis is real, arguing with lies, giving energy to “what led us here.” All of that opens endless debate about facts and reality. All of that feeds the narcissistic system.
The Media Trap
Media has a structural problem we don’t share. Their business model requires covering outrage - clicks equal cash. This creates a mutually serving relationship: he needs attention, they need content, both benefit from escalation.
But grassroots organizations aren’t bound by that model. You don’t need to cover every outrageous statement. You don’t need to respond to every provocation. You don’t need to debate whether what he said is true.
You can be strategically quiet on the drama while being strategically loud about what you’re building.
Going Quiet vs. Going Silent
This isn’t about being invisible. This isn’t about not resisting.
Going quiet means: Don’t give energy to the argument they want to have. Don’t debate facts with someone who doesn’t operate in shared reality. Don’t spend your communication explaining why what he did is wrong.
Going loud means: Talk about what you’re building. Show people what they can do. Focus on the success you’re creating. Make the vision so clear, so tangible, so achievable that people see their own power to create it.
When I stayed quiet in that relationship - didn’t get dramatic, didn’t argue facts, didn’t give energy to their provocations - things stayed as balanced as they were. Still really bad. But survivable. And it created space for me to build the exit strategy that eventually got me out.
When I argued, when I tried to prove reality, when I gave energy to their behavior - that’s when things escalated. That’s when the gaslighting intensified. That’s when survival became harder.
The same dynamic applies to narcissistic power at scale.
What Organizations Can Do Differently
I’m not telling you what to do. I’m offering a frame that might help you move your movement forward.
Audit your messaging: Look at your last five communications - action alerts, social media posts, newsletter articles. Calculate how much space you gave to explaining the problem vs. showing the solution. How much energy went to arguing facts vs. building vision? How much focused on what you’re fighting against vs. what you’re fighting for?
Reframe your next communication: Before you send your next action alert, ask: Does this show people their power or explain their powerlessness? Does this focus on what we’re building or what we’re fighting? Does this give energy to his behavior or to our vision?
Get specific about success: “Fight fascism” is too vague to incite power. “Attend Tuesday’s city council meeting where we’re demanding sanctuary city protections” shows exactly what success looks like and how to create it.
Let people figure out the HOW: You provide the WHAT - the vision, the goal, the success we’re building toward. Trust your community to figure out their own tactical responses. That’s where empowerment lives.
Be strategically quiet: You don’t need to respond to every outrageous statement. You don’t need to debate every lie. You don’t need to give energy to every provocation. Some things deserve strategic quiet while you put energy into what you’re building.
The Expertise You Have
Some of you reading this have survived narcissistic abuse. You know these patterns. You know what feeds the cycle and what starves it. You know the difference between fighting against and building toward. You know when to go quiet and when to go loud.
That’s expertise most political organizers don’t have. That’s knowledge that doesn’t come from campaign school or organizing training. That’s survivor wisdom that matters right now.
You’re not being dramatic when you recognize these patterns. You’re being accurate. And your accuracy is strategic intelligence.
The Work
We’re not dealing with government failure. We’re dealing with narcissistic power dynamics at institutional scale.
The strategies that worked for broken systems won’t work here. Explaining facts won’t work. Arguing reality won’t work. Proving he’s wrong won’t work. Giving energy to his provocations won’t work.
What works: Building vision so clear people can see it. Showing people their power so tangibly they can feel it. Creating success so achievable they know exactly what to do.
Spend 99% of your energy on what you’re building. Use 1% for necessary context. Don’t argue facts with people who don’t operate in shared reality. Focus on WHAT you’re creating, let people figure out HOW. Be strategically quiet on drama, strategically loud on vision.
Not because it’s nice. Because it works.
Because after over twenty-one years of surviving narcissistic power, I can tell you: The only way out is building something they can’t claim, can’t control, and can’t feed from.
That’s the work.
Democracy Spark provides ghostwriting for grassroots democracy organizations. You have the passion and vision, I have the words that move people to action. Let’s collaborate to bring our democracy back for the next generation.